The college years can present unique challenges for students and their parents.
On this page:
Understanding the Transition to College
For your daughter or son, college will likely be a period of intellectual stimulation and growth, career exploration and development, increased autonomy, self-exploration and discovery, and social involvement. During this period, your student may forge new identities or seek to clarify their values and beliefs. This may require an examination of self, friends, and family. It may also be a time for exploration and experimentation, and a period in which your children may question or challenge the values you hold dear. The changes your student may experience can occur quickly, as they begin to develop new peer relationships, gain competence in new areas, and learn to manage independence. It is important to recognize that every young person will experience his or her own unique challenges and adjustments, just as every parent will have different expectations for and reaction to their student's college experience.
Often overlooked is the fact that the college experience is a significant transition for the parents of college students, too. As parents, you may experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and pride when your daughter or son leaves for college. At the same time, you may feel a sense of sadness and pain and have many understandable fears and concerns about your son or daughter's future and well-being. You may worry about your children's safety and ability to care effectively for themselves. You may fear "losing" your children as they begin to function more independently and forms deep attachments with peers. You may be concerned about how your student will deal with alcohol, drugs, and sexual relationships. You may also wonder how your student's performance in college will reflect on you as the parent. It may be comforting to know that most parents and students report increased closeness as well as increased independence as the senior year approaches.
Here are some ways you might support your son or daughter:
- Although your children want and need to become more autonomous during this period, it is important for them to know you are still available. Maintaining a supportive relationship with them can be critical, particularly during their first year of college. If you and your student were not particularly close prior to their leaving home, it is still important for you to convey your support. You may be surprised to find that some space and distance from your student can help improve your relationships with them.
- It is important to maintain regular contact with your student, but also to allow space for your student to approach you and set the agenda for some of your conversations. Let your student know that you respect and support their right to make independent decisions and that you will serve as an advocate and an advisor when asked. Finally, recognize that is normal for your student to seek your help one day and reject it the next. Such behavior can be confusing and exhausting for parents, so make sure to take care of yourself by talking about your feelings with your own support system.
- Be realistic and specific with your student about financial issues, including what you will and will not pay for, as well as your expectations for how they will spend money.
- It is also important to be realistic about your student's academic performance, recognizing that not every straight-A student in high school will be a straight-A student in college. Help your student set reasonable academic goals; and encourage them to seek academic assistance when needed.
- The fact that your student has left home does not necessarily prevent family problems from arising or continuing. Refrain from burdening your children with problems from home they have no control over and can do nothing about. Sharing these problems with your student may cause them to worry excessively and even feel guilty that they are away from home and unable to help. But reassure them that if there is serious illness or other emergency at home you will let them know.
- Find out contact information for people involved in the various aspects of your student's college experience. If you have questions, or if a particular problem arises, call the appropriate person, but make sure to involve your student in a collaborative effort to address the problem. Here are resources you may consider contacting at Gettysburg:
- o Alcohol and Other Drug Programs (717-337-6960) in the Counseling Center
- o Residential Life (717-337-6901)
- o Chapel Office (717-337-6280)
- o College Life (717-337-6960)
- o Intercultural Resource Center (717-337-6311)
- o Academic Advising and Student Support Services (717-337-6579)
- o Student Health Services (717-337-6970)
Here are some ways you might support yourself:
- Recognize that it is normal to have mixed feelings when your children leave home. Feelings of pain and loss often accompany separation from loved ones. It is also normal to feel a sense of relief when your children leave for college, and to look forward to some time alone, or with your significant other, or with your younger children.
- Do your best to develop and maintain your own social support.
- Do your best to maintain your own sense of well-being. This may involve eating and sleeping well, exercising, and setting new and creative goals for yourself. Perhaps this is a good time to do some of things you put off while your children were growing up-taking on a project or hobby can be an excellent way to channel your energy and feelings.
Services provided by the Gettysburg College Counseling Services
The Counseling Service provides free, confidential services for Gettysburg students, including individual and group counseling; walk-in consultations; emergency psychological services; and psycho-educational outreach programming.
Students seek counseling for a variety of reasons, including relationship concerns, difficulties with roommates, loneliness, isolation, emotional difficulties including depression and anxiety, eating problems, and identity issues. Normally these problems are relatively temporary and students recover fairly quickly; however, if the intensity or persistence of any of the problems makes it hard for your student to function effectively, or if your student is experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings, it is advisable to encourage your student to come to the Counseling Service right away. It usually works best to allow your son or daughter to take the initiative in accessing our services-if you are the one who calls and makes an appointment, your son or daughter may be less likely to follow through.
Gettysburg College Counseling Services as a resource for parents
The staff of the Counseling Service accepts phone calls from parents who may fear that their student is undergoing emotional difficulties. It is difficult being at a distance and knowing that a son or daughter is in distress. The staff would like to be supportive and will listen to a parent's concerns. A parent may offer information that could be invaluable to a student's treatment
At the same time, the Counseling Service staff must adhere to professional ethical standards and to state and local laws relating to confidentiality. These standards and laws prevent us from speaking with concerned parents about their student's contact with the Service unless we have the student's written permission to do so. Consequently, if a son or daughter were to tell a parent that he or she is seeing a counselor and the parent would like to be able to talk to the counselor, the student must sign a release of information that will enable the staff to discuss the situation with the parent. If you need to talk to us, we are available at 717-337-6960
While the Counseling Services provides confidential care to students who request our services, the office of College Life or the Office of Academic Advising and Student Support Services is able to reach out to students who may be in need. Parents who would like someone to check up on their son or daughter should contact either of those two offices for assistance.
Other Helpful Resources
- Don't Tell Me What To Do: Just Send Money, by Helen Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller (2000).
- When Your Kid Goes To College: A Parent's Survival Guide, by Carol Barkin (1999).
- Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen Levin Coburn & Madge Lawrence Treeger (1997).
- Transitioning to College is an online resource center to help parents and students focus on emotional health before, during and after the college transition.
- College Parents of America
- National Resource Center for First-Year Experience and Students in Transition
- The U.S. Department of Education's Higher Education Center for Alcohol and Other Drug Prevention
- Talking with your college bound Young Adult about alcohol: This is a short and user-friendly parent guide on how to begin to talk about alcohol use with your college bound son/daughter. There is also a short, animated video demonstrating techniques to use in talking with your child.
- Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
- Study Abroad
- Parents of International Students